Hopeful

I realize I’ve done a lot of complaining on this site.  I am changing that, starting now.  I’m not saying I’m never going to whine again, but it will be less in bulk.  I’m reading a weird self-help book entitled “You are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life” by Jen Sincero.  ($9.60 on Amazon).

On the surface, this book is kind of New-Age, but when she talks about God, it hit home for me.  I’m not sure she believes in God the way I do, but she talks a lot about faith and how important it is to believe.

I’m so mired in debt and doubt and loans and a boss who won’t give me full time hours and every month things are a little tighter.  But I have good health, and a will to learn.  My faith has changed in the past year and a half, and reading this book has taught me that I need to dump my doubts, get over the crap that happened in the past (I’m pretty sure I blogged about the bullying I went through in the past, but I’m not sure how to link to it.

A couple weeks ago, I had an epiphany.  I need to lose the fear I’ve carried with me my whole life.  Fear that is such a part of me that I barely notice it.  It’s that little voice that says, “You aren’t good enough.  You aren’t talented enough.  Stay here where it’s comfortable.  You have a good husband and you have your health and daughters who love you.”  But I want to start writing again, painting again.  Reclaiming my old dreams that were lost in the dust before they even started.

Not that I want to leave my husband.  Not that I’m going to leave my job, right now at least.  But I need to settle my mind.  The job hunt has taken a toll on me emotionally, and I’m in a place where I need to rest, write, and learn to have faith.  Learn to do what the Bible says and learn what it means to trust God and not lean on my own understanding.  What it means when it says fear not, I will take care of you.

I’m just starting this journey.  I plan to get a counselor to help me through some of it.  Some of it might hurt.  But I will never evolve into the person I want to be if I stay mired in fear and complacency.  My personal rut is not without its rewards, which is why I’ve stayed there so long.

~wavygirl~

Found inner pea…. oh wait.

Things have been stressful around here.  The ongoing job hunt has me stressed.  Kids 17-22 who don’t have jobs.  Working 2 jobs.  I’m just done.

I had a mini-mental breakdown after a job interview on Monday that went well.  I know, I know.  It’s just not a job I particularly want, and since I haven’t been offered a position yet (I know she is doing more interviews tomorrow, so it’s really a waiting game).

I’m just afraid I’m going to screw someone over.  Like, find a job in my old field and suddenly have an offer in a new field.  Then I have to deal with that change.  So to me, it’s easier to stay where I am for the moment and play the long game.  I know the people, I know the patients.  I just don’t know why my current job won’t up my hours.  We have more patients right now.  We have a person who just left.  I thought it would be a good time to discuss increasing my hours.  She shot me down.  And I don’t trust her in the long term to do what she says for the long term.  I don’t trust the industry to stay busy.  I want out of healthcare so bad, but the pay is good and I have student loans to pay off.  Right now, best case scenario, I stay in healthcare 10 more years and then I can do what I want.  I’ll be 56 in 10 years.  My chances of getting hired at a good job after age 50 are slim.  I was in such a good mood this morning but the energy emanating off my kids is stressing me out.  I don’t really think they care that they are mooching off us.  I’ll let the 17 year old slide until she’s 18 but the other one graduated college in December and is still sitting around here.  She is holding out for a job in her field.

Well, my dear, I feel your pain.  I’ve been job-hunting on my degree for about a year and a half and haven’t gotten a single call from anyone other than minimum wage crap.  I’m 46 with 2 degrees and my second job pays minimum wage.

Evidently the whining is continuing from my last post.  My next one will be more positive, I promise.  I’m going to talk about yesterday and this morning, my prayers and meditations, and my resolve to move to something better.  My discussion with my boss is part of that.  If I’m offered that job tomorrow, I need to know what to tell them, right?  I don’t really want it, but the pay will be good and I’ll have good benefits and might be able to pay off my loans in half the time.

After that spew of negativity (sorry, I’m not always like this), I’m going to list 3 blessings:

1.  Our car is fixed and back in our driveway.
2. I’m grateful to have 3 wonderful friends who have my back.
3. After 16 years of marriage, my husband and I are still strong and in love.

Thanks for reading!  Someday I’ll read this series of posts back to myself and marvel at the journey.

~wavygirl~