Category Archives: Christian

Micro-epiphany time.


This story is so non-story that if you don’t feel like reading nothing, stop now.

You have been warned.

Okay.  So I started walking a mile when I get up in the morning to get a jump start on my pedometer climb to 10000 steps.  Which I rarely make, by the way.  I try to enjoy the morning sun (or clouds, as it were, this morning), the fresh early breeze (or stagnant 93% humidity, whatever), and the feel of my muscles pounding the pavement (and the claw of hunger dragging its nails in my belly and slowing me down).

Basically, I go up and down my street.  The street is a half mile long, and so a full lap takes me to a mile.

This particular morning, a woman in a small sized sedan, pull into the cross walk as I was about to cross.  No, she didn’t almost hit me.  I just thought it incredibly rude to pull into the crosswalk when someone is standing right there with a white WALK symbol right there.  In fact, I mentally called her an idiot.

Let me preface this by saying that there’s this thing I do to prevent road rage.  My own road rage, not anyone else’s.  When someone cuts me off, or whatever else annoys me while I’m driving, I make up a story in my head.  Maybe they have a family emergency.  Maybe they are late for an appointment at the proctologist.

That didn’t work today.  I couldn’t think of a single good reason for someone to block me at the cross walk, slowing down my power walk.

So I prayed a brief prayer of forgiveness for calling her an idiot.  At first I tried to do what most humans do.  “But if she hadn’t….”  “It’s not my fault.  Someone else….”  Prayerfully passing the buck, we’ll call it.

Also one of my biggest pet peeves.  In real life, I own up if I’ve made a mistake.  But don’t expect me to take the fall for someone else.

So then I confessed the next sin, of trying to lay the blame on the wonderfully kind woman in the car that simply didn’t see me in my bright pink t-shirt and truly didn’t me to mini-interrupt my morning constitutional.  The second oldest sin in the book.  Adam blamed Eve for making him eat the apple, remember?  It’s not my fault!  My brain fought with me the whole time, too.

So.  Yeah.  To sum up.  Took a walk.  Got cut off.  Prayed.

I told you it wasn’t very interesting.



Blessings today


1.  The sky is blue.

2.  Because the torrential rains that were meant to strike our area veered south instead.

3.  My mind and body are fully functional.

4.  I have a husband I love and trust.

5.  My daughters are in good health.

6.  I live in a safe country.

7.  The smell of freshly mowed grass is wafting into my window.

8.  On the same note, I’m not allergic to grass pollen.

9.  My bills are up to date for the most part.

10.  I have Jesus in my life, and it makes all the difference in my perspective of the world.

Because, honestly, I’m feeling a bit stressed today.  I had a long weekend, and I hope that certain people make good choices.  I can’t imagine what it must be like to go through something like that, on either end, and I hope and pray that my lines of communication between my daughters and myself are open enough that it wouldn’t happen.

I can’t go into more detail than that.  I love my family, but communication is key.  Not yelling.  Not ordering around.  My family could use a little less of that and a little more hugs and “How was your day?” and then actually sitting and listening to the response without going off onto some wild tangent about how much your day sucked.

So, I’m praying for my family.  I’m not directly involved in the situation, and there is little that I can do at this point.  I believe that prayer can change things.  However, I also think that the parties involved have to think that as well.  I don’t have the words to change their thinking.  But I can pray that they meet someone someday, in the hopefully near future, that does.

In the meantime, I’m going to count my blessings, breathe, and pray.




I was going to name this post “Reminiscing”, but that would imply that the memories I’m referring to have some sort of positive value.  I have alluded to my memories in the past, of being bullied in elementary school, middle school, and high school, and I have come to the conclusion that I need to write about my experiences that happened, and the friendship I’ve had my whole life.

I need to do this, because 30 years later, if I hear a certain laugh in the next aisle at the grocery store, it brings me back to that place of anger and embarrassment.  Because I still feel like an ugly, fat, unworthy, POS who can’t make friends, can’t strike up conversations easily with anyone, and if something goes wrong in a relationship, I automatically assume the entire and full responsibility for any and all issues that occurred.

I need to do this, because I can’t forgive the people who hurt me so much when I was a girl.

I need to do this because just writing this short paragraph has brought me to tears.  I need to rip out this pain and deal with it.  My heart breaks when I hear someone who killed themselves because of bullying, and another, more selfish part of me says, “I handled it.  Why can’t they?”

I need to do this because God commands me to forgive as He forgave us.  I haven’t been able to do that yet.  I think my friend has done better with coping as an adult than I did, but I’m not really sure her situation was exactly the same.  And she doesn’t think the same way as I do.

I’ve thought about writing this story off and on for a long time, but maybe I needed to write other stuff first to work out some of the kinks and develop a style of sorts.  I don’t know, but I’m feeling like our story needs to be told.  Maybe God allowed all those horrible things to happen because someone needs to hear the story, and now is the time to write it.  If that is true, then it will happen.  If it’s just me needing an emotional catharsis, that will never see anyone else’s hands, that’s okay too.

Memories can be so painful.  I think I’m learning how to get past some stuff, and learn how to realize that I can’t control people, but I can control my reactions to their rudeness.  This is part of that.

I’m not looking forward to writing this.  But it’s going to get done.


Easter and nEGGativity


Perhaps this is an obvious “E” word, given the holiday yesterday.

I went to church to celebrate our risen Lord and Savior, and then hung out at home for a bit, colored Easter eggs, and then, we went to my brother’s house for dinner.  I played Uno with my daughters and the boyfriend/baby daddy.  I felt a little sad, as I often do on holidays, and then we went home and I watched “Deep Impact” with my daughter before bed.

I’m still feeling a little down, and stressed about stuff I can’t control.  I need to learn to let it go.  I can’t pay my bills before the money comes in, so why worry about it until then?  I can’t control the way people speak, but I can protect my family from the situation, regardless of how sad that makes me.  If I’m happier when I exercise, then I need to do that.  If I’m happier when I’m planning a novel, I need to do that, too.

Next year, there’ll be a baby in the house.  It’ll be exciting and new for him.  Why can’t I focus on the good stuff and just wait on the anxiety to pass, as it always does?  Instead I keep focusing on the negative and unconsciously acting as though my life is going to change, and not for the better.  And I keep dropping my writing (I actually have been exercising, lol), as though it’s a chore, one more thing to get through through the day.

I remember when I posted about reading my Bible and being consciously grateful for whatever is going on in my life at that moment.  And I was happier.  Now the negativity has grasped hold of me again.  Guess what I haven’t been doing?

There’s just so much to do in the next few months, and no vacation in sight.  I really need some nice time off, and I don’t see that coming any time soon.

I am truly grateful to God for sending his son to save us.  Happy Easter.  I like bunnies too.  And pretty colored eggs.  And Reese’s peanut butter eggs.  🙂


Changing my attitude


Like, really. I read over old posts and I’ve been so anxious about work and family matters and money and whatever, that I wasn’t taking the time to spend with God.

First, I recognized the fact that I was lacking in this area. Then, I repented of that sin and have been making more of an attempt. Not just praying though. Reading my Bible. Spending time silently with God, trying to hear His will for me.

Well, so far I’m having enough of a time just trying to keep my mind quiet and to block out negative thoughts and energy, however, my attitude at work and at home have changed. I’m no longer coming home to whine about my job, instead, I’m feeling blessed to have work. I’m no longer letting my co-workers affect me with their negativity as much. I try to turn their attitudes, but I’m pretty sure I’m coming off as annoying at times.

But that’s okay. I can only change what’s inside me. Actually, that’s incorrect. Only God can change me, if I allow Him to work in me.

And small changes make a huge difference, even though nothing has actually changed. It’s all about spending time with God.


Commercials have bowed to the political correctness gods.


Let me preface this by saying that my TV comes via Netflix for the most part, and the only two shows I watch right now that are current are The Big Bang Theory and Once Upon A Time.

I didn’t really need an insurance commercial to celebrate homosexuality in front of me by seeing two dudes kissing. Yay! We’re all different! Yay! We’re all great!

It’s a sin. So is murder, jealousy, lust, greed. Commercials have forever warped our sense of greed and lust, and now this. Most people are envious of what other people have that we can’t afford.

Look. If you want to be gay, be gay. Just don’t rub my face in it, because it’s not going to make me switch insurance companies.

God doesn’t like it, so I’m not going to like it. That being said, I have done many things in my life that I’m not proud of, so I’m not going to judge people in that lifestyle either. I have days where practically every thought in my head gives the opposite of glory to God.

You can hate me for not supporting gay people if you like. I just don’t want it shoved in my face at commercial break. I know those commercials are meant to break down our defenses and make it become commonplace for same gender couples to appear. I can even applaud that on some level. I went through 5-10 grade with people calling me a lesbian and hating me like crazy. I had friends ditch me because they were afraid that they would be called a lesbian too. I was bullied and hated for something that I wasn’t even a part of, so I can understand how much that hurts. I get on that level how it would be nice to be able to be whatever you want without repercussion.

But there is. It’s in the Bible. If we as a nation turn from God, God’s going to turn from us. Just read the Old Testament. Israel continually turned from God, so he punished them. You think God won’t punish us? Israel turned back to God, and he helped them.

Murder is running rampant in this country. I remember reading a New York Times article a year or so ago. 24 hours without a murder in New York City! Whoo hoo! Theft is commonplace. People fake injuries (or maybe just exaggerate them a bit) to get on disability. Even so-called “Christians” gossip and slander each other, have extra-marital sex, abortions, get drunk frequently. Don’t even get me started on race relations. When we are all judged by our actions and not on the color of our skin, then rascism will end.

It’s never going to end.

I guess the real question is, are we as a nation going to turn back to God? Or is this the beginning of the end? If this is truly the end of days (and I’m not wholly convinced that it is), then things are going to get a lot worse. Will I, as a Christian, and as a US citizen, be able to freely express my opinions like this in a year? In 5 years? 10? We’ll see.

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, our friends, our enemies even, treating them kindly, patiently, with compassion. We are to bring everyone that we can to the salvation of Jesus. How is hating gay people bringing them to God? How is loving the sin of it bringing us, as a nation closer to God? There’s a fine line there somewhere. I go to a Baptist church. They seem to hate gay people. I say, “Bring them in and let them hear about God!” My opinion is not popular, but I express it whenever I can.

Salvation is simple, but living the walk is difficult, impossible sometimes, but it becomes possible with the love of Jesus and the blood he shed. If you accept the gift. Everyone can come to the healing power of Jesus, no matter how broken you are. No matter what you’ve done.

As for the commercials, that’s what DVR is for, to fast forward through them.

I should rename my blog.


To “Finding myself through whining”.

I’m starting to not feel so disconnected to everyone, but I also think that’s why I was whining so much here.  I needed an outlet at that time to let things out.  I really think reading about joy has been helping.

Last night, though, I started to laugh at myself.  I’m truly on some sort of crooked and narrow path to self-discovery.

So, I usually work late twice a week.  But the time that I was there was slow, and out of the goodness of my heart, I volunteered to go in late as they’d screwed over my co worker and double booked him for the last two hours of the day.  One of those was an evaluation as well.  Also, there was someone there I wanted to snicker at a little.

Turns out my help was needed, and instead of snickering, I provided (maybe) a little moral support.  So, it worked out better than I’d planned.

However, when I went home, I was grumpy.  I mean, just so irritable.  It wasn’t because I worked late.  It was because I heard them over-booking me on Friday, and I know my co-worker isn’t going to stay to bail me out.  So I guess I was mad because I felt like I had to stay late and then I got screwed.

After awhile, common sense struck me.  What’s the difference if I’m double booked and find out about it now or later?  And my help was needed.  AND….  I can’t emphasize this AND enough…..  I volunteered.  How stupid of me to VOLUNTEER and then WHINE about it like a little girl whose ice cream fell in the dirt.  No one put a gun to my head.  I could have went home early, because really, it was either lose two hours of pay, or come back and make it up.  It’s not like I didn’t get paid for it.

Anyway.  I shake my head at myself in disbelief.

An epiphany?  Maybe not.  A moment of personal growth?  Probably not so much.  I’m probably going to repeat that behavior over and over in my life.

I wish I could have taken my joy out of knowing I was a blessing to someone, instead of whining like a child.

I’ve said it before:  I’m a work in progress.  Only God knows where I will stand eventually, and I pray daily that He will turn me into the person he wants me to be and give me an understanding of my sins to better control them.