Monthly Archives: August 2014

Working on Forgiveness

Working on Forgiveness


I know I’m supposed to forgive, and keep forgiving until the job is done.   It’s just more difficult for me when:

a. the person probably doesn’t know and/or care that they’ve wronged me and mine.

b. the person thinks they were right and that I over-reacted.

c. the offense was not against me, but my (and theirs, for that matter) family member.

and d. this person was such a hypocrite in what they say and what they don’t do that it’s mystifying.

I’m not going to state what was done, and I’m not going to state who did it.  I’m just going to state that I have trouble forgiving people who can’t or won’t apologize, and that I know that God can’t be happy with me if I can’t or won’t forgive him or her, regardless.  And that sticks in my craw.  My selfish, human side is stating that they don’t deserve forgiveness, and that until they apologize, I should shut them out.

My Bible says to forgive.  No qualifications.

I can state for the record that the set of circumstances that lead to this will not be repeated.  That makes me sad and glad at the same time.  And a little afraid, because I know that know one will understand, and they will think I’m being selfish, and that I’m the one who needs to apologize.

I’m messed up.  I don’t like conflict, and I don’t like apologizing when it isn’t warranted.

Sounds like I need to go to prayer and get rid of this negative thought pattern I’m caught in.  I NEED FORGIVENESS right now from God.  And maybe I need to open a new line of communication with these people.

And that is the most difficult thing for me.  Because they’ll listen and agree, and then maybe talk about me behind my back and fall right back into the same pattern.  I’m done with the old pattern.  But part of that is talking with the people and trying to get them to understand.

But first, I need to forgive them.



AT&T is evil.


I’m not going to go into details, but I can longer recommend them to a friend.  Or an enemy.  Maybe my brother, LOL.  Apparently new upgrades have an additional 20$ fee?  Really?  So our bill went up $50 a month because of two of the upgrades.  Mine is due in January, and I was looking forward to my new iphone.   Even bought a case for it already.  My iphone 4S is a POS with a cracked screen and an attitude problem, and I was just waiting it out until upgrade time.

Don’t even get me started on the ridiculous taxes.

Whatever.  Time to start shopping for  a new plan cuz we’re out of here.

I just told my husband I’m going old school with a land line and an answering machine.


Are all 13 year olds sociopaths?


I’m asking because I really want to know.

I’ve been frustrated with her more than usual lately, and she’s been absolutely hateful to me (no one else, just me), and I’ve been expressing my feelings about it to my husband, and he took it upon himself to ask her why she’s being a jerk to me.

Her reasons are threefold.

1.  I played music that annoyed her a month ago.  (I kind of earned this one.  I told her that every time she was being a jerk, I was going to pull up Taylor Swift’s song “Mean” and play it for her.  I thought it was funny, and when I realized after a couple days that maybe it was deep down hurting her feelings, I stopped.  However, it worked awesomely to get her out of the room when she was having a whine-fest.  So I haven’t played it in probably 3 or 4 weeks.  I should get some credit here because it was a. kind of funny, and b. I stopped.)

2.  My sense of humor is awful.  (Please explain what I’m supposed to do about this?  This is a personality trait that I can’t control.)

3.  I’m too enthusiastic.  (I’m really not and I don’t even know what to do with this information.)  Plus, with that, I compliment her too much.  (Whaaaat?  I thought I was supposed to do that with daughters, building self-esteem and what-not.)

So apparently, I’m deeply flawed (in her eyes) as a parent.  I’m incredibly hurt by her insensitivity.  And quite frankly, I honestly don’t know what to do about any of this.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t care to be around my mom at that age.  I get it.  Maybe I deserve this.  But I can’t just let her treat me incredibly rudely and with disrespect, and I can’t let her slide away from me because I might never get her back.  If I’m not mothering her, who’s going to take that role?

Nothing I do is right anymore.  I didn’t go to her football game yesterday, because I knew she really didn’t want me there.  When she got home, she asked, “Why weren’t you there?”  And so, I know that the real reason lies with her, she doesn’t really know what she wants from our relationship, and that I’m an annoyance to her (because she’s 13).  I’m afraid I’m going to say or do something that will harm our relationship in the meantime, and all I can think to do is give her that mother’s most ancient of curses:  I pray that someday you will have a daughter just as wonderful as you!


My daughters….


Daughter #1 is possibly in the happiest place in her life right now, being away from home at college.  I’m happy for her.  I hope she learns lots.  I hope she makes lifelong friends for the first time in her life.  I pray she will draw nearer to God and learn to grow in her faith.  I’m also very sad because she is an important and large part of my life, and for the first time, she’s not there.  I don’t know if she wants to hear from me.  I don’t know how much I should try to be involved in her life right now.  I don’t feel like I’m needed there.  But I know she needs me, or will need me in the future.

Daughter #2 will be 13 in less than a month.  Maybe I don’t need to say anything more than that.  I’m pretty sure she hates me, and normally that wouldn’t bother me, but I’m sort of aching a bit inside from missing Daughter #1, so the way she treats me is cutting me a bit deeper than normal.  I know 13 is a difficult age, and she’s an ADHD girl, so that makes it harder.  I love her so much, but she doesn’t want me right now.  I’m sort of forcing her to be with me at times, and she is resistant.   I know she NEEDS me, even if she doesn’t know it, or think so.  I just wish she did know it a little, and I wish she would let me know it once in awhile.

I’m sad.

I’m trying to make my bond with my husband stronger at the same time, and I don’t think he gets that I’m hurting and need him there a little more closely than before.  I want him to think of me without me prodding him to do so.  I go back to when we met and how I felt, and trying to rekindle that, just a little.  It’s a little difficult when we’re both been so complacent and contented the past few years that it’s difficult to shake things up.  I’m going to keep trying though, because it gives me something positive to do, and because I love to be with him.  I need to stay out of trouble, LOL.

Family is tough, especially during transitional times.  I can’t help but wonder if #2 is upset (deep deep down) that #1 is off being a “grown up”.  Maybe even misses her.


I’m going to focus my blog (a little) on finding ways to reconnect/stay connected with my family and keep my family close.  I’ll let you all know if I hit on any gems of wisdom.


My low carb chicken soup recipe.


I take an onion and saute half in a pan with olive oil.  I store the other half.

I chop up a couple carrots, a few pieces of celery, a largish tomato and throw them in the crockpot with a box of organic chicken broth.  I add the onions, some minced garlic, a little salt and pepper, and a bit of cayenne pepper powder.

Then I put in 2-3 boneless skinless chicken breasts and cook for 6 hours on low.

I pull out the chicken when it’s done, put it on a plate, shred it with two forks, and put it back in the soup.

So yummy.  Makes four servings of soup for the week, is relatively low in carbs, and is filling for a long time.  I make it every 3-4 weeks for my work lunches.

You always have the option to add noodles if you are not low carbing, or take out whatever you don’t like or add zucchini or something weird like that.



I need to keep low carbing.


And I need to change my way of thinking about the low carb diet.  It really should be more of a lifestyle change at this point.

I say this because I haven’t been eating that way this week (due to finances, which will be replenished tomorrow), and I’m jittery, have restless legs syndrome at night, insomnia, and heartburn as well.  Also, I’m starting to have breakouts again.  I get none of that stuff when I low carb diet.  It makes it worth the sacrifice.  After this past two nights jitters, I’m ready to start again.

I’m going to do the best that I can today, as I have salad fixings and low carb bread and eggs.  Hopefully I can get through the day without messing it up too bad.

I’m not going to re-weigh myself until I’ve been back on plan for a week.  Hey, I can do weigh in Wednesday with this girl.  🙂

Time to go collect my food for the day and cut up my soup veggies that I was supposed to cook on Monday.

Have a great day!


This may end up being one of the longest days of my life.


Yet another whining post.  I like to whine for short periods of time; I find it forces me to focus on the problem at hand and possibly come up with a solution.  Or just get it out of my system.  Perhaps I’m merely venting.  After all, isn’t whining all about repeating the same things over and over again? 

LOL!  Yup, I’m whining. 

I’m pretty sure I’ve posted about my insomnia before.  Also my empty bank account. Repeatedly.  Therefore, I’m whining.

I’ve been up since 4:00 am with restless legs syndrome, which I don’t get when I’m low carbing, FYI.  But I have 14$ in my bank account to last until Friday so I have to eat whatever junk I bought that’s in the house.  Don’t get me wrong, I bought low carb bread and salad stuff, and didn’t buy too many junky things.  So all is not lost.  My daughter (the one who left for college) left a thing of cherry amaretto chocolate ice cream in the fridge, and I’ve been helping myself.  You know, so it doesn’t get freezer burned.

I prefer to get more than six hours of sleep.

Here’s a vent I HAVEN’T done before.  I work for  a living.  So do many other people in the area.  Most of us work 8-5-ish.  So how come the schools can’t have an early morning registration?  Or an evening one?  NO!  They have to have 8th grade registration at NOON.  I’m not really surprised after 7 years in the district, and I have brought this up to the school in the past.  They don’t care. 

So here’s the deal.  I got up at 4:00.  I have to be at work around 10.  I have to leave work at 12, take my daughter to school, wait in line for registration, wait in line to get her pictures done, go around the school to make sure she knows where her classes are, take her home, go back to work, and work until 7.  Oh, and then I get to walk home.  Because my husband has to come get the car, take our daughter to her oboe lesson, then colorguard/marching band practice which gets out around 9:00.

I’m exhausted just thinking about it.  Also, I was supposed to go to a dance class myself, but our other car is broke down and my older daughter has our other one at college.  I might have to go get that car until the other one is back.  She won’t be happy about that.

I’m skipping dance class and going to bed early.  I hate days like this.  I hope work is busy because if I sit for too long, I’ll never stay motivated.

blech.  Have a good day, everyone.  I promise my next post will be more interesting.