Processing Life – Part 1


It all started last summer.  It was hot.  I was cranky.  I was burned out from school, and my job wasn’t helping either.  I was tired of working alone for 8-10 hour days.  With my super introverted co-worker who made me look like….  well someone who liked to talk a lot, which I’m not really, though I do enjoy regular conversation… it was lonely as well.  I felt like I had too much on my plate so when I was emailed a job offer, I thought that it was just my time to move on.

So, I put in my two week notice, and when it was done, I cried when I gave them my keys.  I would like to note that usually when it’s time to move on, I feel this weight slip off my shoulders, but this time, I was unhappy.  I knew it wasn’t a good thing, but I shrugged it off to just my general unhappy.  Maybe I had some low-key depression going on.  I don’t know.  Maybe I still do.  My 17 year old certainly wasn’t helping.

After 1 week at my knew job, I knew it wasn’t for me.  I called my former boss to see if my position was filled, and it was.

So I’ve been trying and trying and trying to find a job, and failing.  My degree in leadership and management gets dustier as the days go on, and I feel pressure to make decisions about my future- after all, I’m almost 46, not getting any younger here!  I wish I hadn’t gone back to school.  I can admit that at 3 in the morning when I can’t sleep and I’ve been up since 1:45.  Then we could have refinanced our house and been relatively debt free.  Instead, I have 10 years of debt to pay back.  What the hell was I thinking?

My husband said God has a plan and I just need to wait on His timing.

I’m so tired of waiting.

Actually, right now, I’m just tired.  And sad.  And things are starting to change and I’m also a little afraid.  Some days, I don’t feel like I’m good for anything except loving my husband.  I have him, and he’s been my rock the past 5 months, and I know I haven’t been easy to live with.  I’m trying to pray tonight, and I am so stressed (I will just say for now I put in my notice and my current boss is pressuring me to stay, and it’s upsetting me).  I’m going back to my old job, 3 days a week, and will get a different job doing something else in another field the other 2 days.  Again, more on that later.  The next three weeks can’t pass fast enough (only he wants me to stay for 4 more instead of 3).

My thoughts are fairly disjointed this early in the day, but I’m gonna post anyway.  Please forgive my sleep-deprived errors.



Processing Life, Part 0


I have always found writing to be a good way to process my thoughts, to organize my ways of thinking, etc.  I haven’t been doing it lately because I haven’t been writing.  I think after I went to college (I graduated last spring), I went through a period of burnout.  I haven’t really wanted to write.  I’ve been painting a little here and there (say a few days a month) so I’ve had a little creative outlet, but mostly I’ve been working, stressing about my job, and wondering how to make ends meet when my student loans come through.

I think we’ve got the finances worked out in the form of refinancing our house.  The closing should happen soon, and I will no longer have credit cards.  The money freed up from the credit cards will now be used for student loans.  blah blah blah.  I’m not here to talk about money.  I’m here because I’m messed up in the head, I finally have some options, and I don’t know what to do about it.

The quick version (all I have time for right now) is I left my old job because I wasn’t getting 40 hours.  There were other reasons I left (any they possibly contributed to my burning out), but I was worried about money so I found a new job where I’d be able to work 40 hours.  Well, they kind of lied.  I’m working the same amount of hours but in a different environment and I have hated it for numerous reasons since I started 5 months ago.

Also, I have not gotten a single call in the past year on a job with my new degree.  So….  the whole job search makes me want to hurl myself off a bridge.  Not a tall one.  Just a little one.  You know, I’ll survive the fall but the adrenaline rush will make me forget about my problems for a minute.

Anyway, my old job called me back for three days a week.  I said, Hey, maybe I can work the other two days in something else and get something new to put on my resume!  So I told her I’d take it, and then told my boss I was putting in my notice, and I got two job interviews in other fields (one is Saturday, the other I have to schedule this afternoon.

So he is trying to talk me into staying and I’ve always had a problem with misplaced loyalty or guilt or something so now I’m thinking of things.

I don’t have time right now but I’m going to do pros and cons and work this out.  I want to understand why I’m making the decisions that I am so I can hopefully do the right thing.

More later…..



Happy New Year 2019


I haven’t been writing much lately.  I think I got burned out when I was in college.  I like to write, and maybe this time I’ll get back into the rhythm after only a handful of posts last year and the year before.

I still work in physical therapy, despite my new degree in leadership and management.  I quite my old job, however, and am working at a place where it’s pretty easy but time management and organization are awful.  They aren’t in a computerized system and it makes the whole notes/billing thing take about 4 times as long as it should.  I have to write my note, find the file while could literally be in the hands of 1 of 4 people besides myself, get it signed, give it to the biller who manually enters everything into the computer.

It’s really rather annoying.

Daughter #1 graduated college a couple weeks ago, now praying for a job.  Her baby is almost 3 and a half and still a joy.  He’s literally the best infant/toddler/preschooler I’ve ever seen.

Daughter #2 is having a LOT of difficulty with depression, ADHD, ODD, anxiety.  I wish we could find an underlying cause that could be treated.  Allergies.  Hormones.  I don’t know.  I’m reading a book on ODD right now and trying to get my husband to read it too and participate in her care without getting angry.

Anyway, I just restarted my job search, but I really don’t have any hope yet.  My student loans came due and I had to defer them to juggle money.  Looking into refinancing our house and hopefully that will happen soon.

At any rate, I have taken to doing paintings.  I’m averaging 1/month right now, using tutorials on YouTube.  I may post some of them here.

I hope you all have a great 2019, and that good things happen all around.  I need some interesting things to talk about here!!!










Change is hard.


That is such a cliche.

So, if you’ve ever read my blog before, you know I went back to college, and graduated.  I was in a safe, relatively secure job which I didn’t really like, but stayed because the boss liked me and my work and it was difficult to get out of my rut.

Then my college loans came in.  Actually, I don’t start paying them until December, but when I saw how much they are going to be, I freaked.  I realized I couldn’t keep working a job that I rarely saw 40 hours a week (closer to 32, honestly), and I needed to do something.

So I changed jobs.  And, while I won’t go into detail, it has nothing to do with my new degree, and the grass isn’t always greener.

So, stressed about money, despising my new job, worried about losing my house, dealing with high-maintenance kid for years and years, and generally being burned out from working full time and going to college have all taken their toll.  I have applied for probably 100 jobs using my new degree in the past 3 months and have not gotten one call.  So also feeling like I have completely wasted my time and sanity and swamping my family in debt.

So I turned to God and started praying.  I have to leave for work in a few minutes but wanted to let you know where I stand at this moment.  It’s not all bad.  Emotionally, I’m in the toilet, but whoever said change was easy?  I’m on the path less traveled right now, and there’s a steep hill ahead, and a turn at the top.  I can’t see where I’m going yet.

Maybe when I get around that corner.


I did it!


I graduated college with a degree in Leadership and Management!

Getting a job interview based on that degree has become problematic, however.  I have worked in the physical therapy world for 12 years.  Physical therapy is my whole resume.  I have applied for dozens of jobs and received dozens of emails that say the position has been filled, feel free to try again in the future.

Frustrating at best.

So….  I’m restarting my blog.  It’s been well over a year since I’ve posted anything.  I was so burned out on writing research papers, doing assignments, etc that I haven’t really wanted to write anything.  I want to take blogging seriously.  I’m sure I ramble on at some point about how I never follow through on anything.  Well, I finished my degree.  Just got my notice on student loans.  (unhappy about that for myriad reasons), and am still where I was 3 years ago.  I feel like I’m being held down.

Oh, I did start a Younique business because I was bored.  I barely sell anything.  I might talk about it someday.  I might not.  Younique is quality cosmetics that one can only buy online.  Makes it challenging to get people to try despite the generous return policy.  Anyway, here’s shameless plug:

But once again, I have no follow through.  I hate selling things.  I hate being pressured to buy which makes me incredibly uncomfortable doing the same to others.  Here’s my sales pitch:  If you want to check out the site and buy something, feel free.  If not, that’s cool too.  LOL

I don’t make a lot of sales.  🙂

What else has been going on with me?  I start a new job on September 10.  In physical therapy.  This is the first place to hire me since in five years.  I go on interviews periodically without much luck.  However, it wasn’t until they let someone go wrongfully that I lost my shit and said I cannot continue to work for people who claim to be Christian and treat their employees like garbage!!!!  No more!  I hope the new place is a little better.  I don’t hate my job.  And I apparently went back to college because I didn’t have quite enough debt for my taste.  Let’s bring on 10 more years of it!  Yee haw!!!!!

Anyway, let’s see how my blog goes.  Let’s see if I post again this decade.  Let’s see.

Let’s see.



Changing careers is difficult


I’m still working in the world of physical therapy, and my negative mindset right now is such that I feel like I’m accruing student debt and I’m never going to pay it off and I’m never going to work in a new field of work.

I’m on hiatus right now until August, and I only have 6 more classes to go.   That part is good.  The bad part is I’ve been shot down for every internship and management job I’ve applied for.  I’m not shooting for the stars here; I looking at management trainee and HR management intern jobs.  I would love to get a job as a change management analyst, but those are few and far between and I have very little management experience.

I’m making pretty good money now and hopefully I can afford to take on a new job that will probably pay less than what I’m making now.

First, I need to lose the attitude.  At least I’m aware that I have an attitude.  Most people aren’t, from what I can tell.




Bosses are dumb.  Or forgetful.  Or cheap.  I haven’t decided.  LOL.  I can almost feel my sense of humor coming back after going to the gym.  All I did was 13 minutes on the elliptical and some leg stretches.  I have a touch of patellar tendonitis so just trying to start slow as to not flare it up.

Found out the new physical therapist is one of those ones that feels that PT assistants are better seen and not heard.  For someone who has been working pretty much independently with occasional questions and discussion with my PTs on staff, this is not going to fly well.

Something random good that happened today:  I decided what I want my next tattoo to be.  I’m not sure when I will get it, maybe this weekend.

I want something to write about.  Fiction.  I want to tell a story.