Monthly Archives: June 2014

Talking to Myself.


(at other person’s e-mail):  I know you are wrong, and I must tell you all about it.  In a nice way, of course.

(Types e-mail.  Looks at it.):  Really?  You need to send this e-mail?  Why can’t this wait until you see this person in person?

(Discards e-mail.):  FINE.  But this is really going to bug me now.  I must now go blog about my success in realizing that something I might have sent via e-mail might possibly have been misconstrued as bitchy (which in a way, it was, and it’s also ancient history, so why bother?) and might have set up hurt feelings for a person I haven’t seen in years.

If only more people had the foresight to think before they e-mail/text/ speak, relationships might be better?  How many people have ruined relationships due to not thinking before opening their mouth. 

“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”  Epictetus

It’s nice in theory, anyway.



My kids are annoying me. and other random stuff.


Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve had to tell them to do the same chores three days in a row and they did a half-ass job of it when they finally did it.  So what?  Should I just be grateful they made the grudging attempt?  I don’t think so.  Not when the rest of their time has been filled with TV and internet. 

I swear, when I next go downstairs, they are all going outside.  There are my two, and two nieces, go OUTSIDE and fine SOMETHING, ANYTHING, to do.  If they whine, they can pull weeds.

It could be the fact that I’m dieting.  I was fine at work, though.  I just asked them each to do one thing, and to have it done by the time I got home! 

Ah…..  breathe.  It could also be the fact that, although my entire family knows I’m dieting, my dad brought in cookies and licorice, my husband brought in Reese’s PB cups and GummySavers, and everyone made popcorn last night.  I ate none of it, either,  SUCCESS on my end, but it’s difficult.  I feel jittery still, but I know that means I’m doing something right to get the sugar out of my system, and I know if I cave right now, it’s not going to get easier.  I don’t want to do this 2 steps forward, 3 steps back thing.  And honestly, it’s been quite easy to say NO to these things.  For the moment, anyway.  I had a salad for lunch and a wonderful Atkins granola bar that makes me feel like I’m almost cheating.

We all had our pictures taken at VBS, and I look like a blimp.  I guess I’m using that as my before picture.  UGH.

Okay, going to go get my park passes now, and stock up on a few LC yummies.

Oh, and I walked to and from work, about a mile and a half total, so that’s something for exercise, anyway.


Sugar withdrawal.


I guess my symptoms could be worse.  Of course, they just started yesterday so technically, they still could get worse.

1.  jittery.  This is probably my worst symptom right now.

2.  anxious.  Or maybe I’m just jittery.  It’s hard to tell.

3.  Itchy.  I’ve heard that when one does low carb, the excess yeast in one’s system dies off, making one itchy for a time, but leaving one feeling better when it’s all done.

I’m not headachy, nauseous, or anything like that.  And while I kind of feel like crap today, I feel like my eating choices are getting me to where I want to be.  I don’t even want sugar right now in my brain, because that means that I failed again, and that I will have to start all over again.  I don’t want to start over again.  I want to eat like this for three months and get my system balance.  I want to feel healthy and like I have more energy.  I want to lose weight, but at this point that is just a bonus.

Will I succeed?  I don’t know.

Let’s begin day 4 of my low carb adventure!


My name is _____________, and I’m a sugar junkie and a binge eater.


I had a minor health issue over the weekend.  Nothing life threatening, only vaguely annoying.  But it was THE LAST STRAW.

Again.  I’ve had the last straw many times in my life, and mostly the straw ends with me on a chocolate chip cookie binge.  Whether it is three days later, three hours later, or, (the more rarely) three months later, it ends with me baking in the kitchen, deluding myself that “I can start again tomorrow”, or “I’ll just have one”.  I know the lies I tell myself as I tell them to myself.

Anyway, on Saturday I resolved to begin my low carb diet, and find things that would tempt me to stay on it and away from sugar for awhile.  Saturday was difficult for me.  Sunday was a little better.  Monday was all right once I found the food to take to work for my long day.  Today, the sugar withdrawals are starting to kick my ass.  I’m feeling a bit jittery, anxious.  I don’t have a headache yet, which is kind of nice.  And I know I need to get through this.

I weighed myself on Sunday morning.  I’m five feet tall, and I weighed 209.8.  I am ashamed of that fact, but I’m proud of the fact that it isn’t as bad as my weight on January 1st of this year.  My peak weight was 222.2, according to the WiiFit.  I got rid of my scale awhile back.  Well, I didn’t get rid of it so much as the battery died and my husband put it somewhere, stating, “I’ll get you a new battery.”  And then he lost it.  But that’s okay.  I still have the WiiFit.  Which also requires batteries, now that I think about it.

So yeah, being a sugar junkie.  Right?  Having that urge most of the time to have something sweet?  And the sure tell when I’m about to go into binge mode is when I need to have something salty right afterwards.  Followed by something sweet.  And that can go on for weeks.  I’ve actually been feeling like that for the past month or so, and I’ve been fighting it.  I cave in a little, and then I pray, or just tell myself NO (it works sometimes).  Those people who say that it’s not your will power that help you to lose weight are full of it.  I’ve been using my will power to say NO.  And hoping my will power muscle gets stronger so that I will find it easier to say no.

The most recent NO being last night at VBS, being offered popcorn, and saying sweetly, “No thank you,” like I didn’t want to grab the bag and just start pigging out.  Worse, actually, was the Tootsie Pops being handed out to the kids.  Have you ever tried the blueberry ones?  Quite divine, I must say.  And I said NO again, because, that small thing that is affecting my health?  It hasn’t gone away.  It’s gotten better, but even when the symptoms get better, that doesn’t mean it’s gone. 

So, this low carb thing?  It does get easier after the first ten days or so; the cravings become much more manageable.  And I’m finding fun new foods to eat.  Atkins bars are marvelous sweet substitutes when I feel like I’m going down that road again.  And walking and kayaking are fun distractions.

And I’m taking up belly dance again.  I did it from 2004 to 2012, and it felt like it was taking over my life.  I’m doing one class, starting in a couple weeks, and hopefully it is fun again.  If I do the full eight weeks, and I’m still feeling that way, then maybe I can sell off my dance stuff without feeling like, “What if I go back to that again?  Then I’ll have to buy everything new again.  And I spent a long time and a lot of money building my collection.”

I swear, I’m not a hoarder.


Love is Patient and Kind…


… love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.  It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never ends.  I Corinthians 13:4-8a.

A couple years ago, I was struggling with the concept of love.  I started a study on it, defining these words and spelling out what they meant to me personally.  I’m not going to do that today.  I’m just going to say that having a daughter who I love and is a challenge to me at times has forced me to think on the things I wrote of in the past.  When I get upset or angry with her, I may yell and not show love all the time, because I’m not perfect, but there’s always a wee little voice that is inside my head that says, “Are you being patient?  Kind?  Rude?”

What do I do when love and kindness turn to anger and harsh words?  What do I do when someone pushes too far?  What do I do when they don’t care that they’ve hurt me, and more importantly, my daughter?  Or worse, they do care but can’t make themselves apologize because they are too proud to admit they are wrong.  I don’t know what is going on inside their heads.  I know that my daughter is never going to forget the words that were spoken to her.  I know there are walls going up inside the hearts of people I love, and I can’t stand it.  There are walls going up inside my heart, and right now I’m too hurt to deal with it.  I have to wait until the pain subsides until I can face this truth objectively.

God says we should pray for those who hurt us and wrong us.  We should bless those who curse us.  Most importantly, we should forgive.  And we should love.  A person who loves should be patient with children who struggle with impulsive behavior and other unseen disorders.  It doesn’t excuse the offense, but why can’t it be handled with love instead of angry, hateful words? 

I’ll tell you what I’m doing so far:  Waiting for the pain to subside before I say something unforgivable and irretrievable to someone I love.  That person may forgive me, but those words will forever be there between us. 

I wish people would think about that before they speak.  I love my daughter, and I will protect her as much as I can.  She is young, and if I don’t take her defense, no one will.  No one should ever feel like they have to handle the world alone, particularly a 12 year old girl.  I felt like that for a long time when I was a teenager, and when someone hurts my child, all that pain comes back.  It never leaves, really.  All it takes is a laugh in the supermarket that sounds a lot like the cruel laughter that haunted me in junior high.  I know objectively that it is not directed at me, but there is a deep hurt that will never go away entirely.  It may lie dormant for years, but something will trigger it.

And maybe that is what is really bothering me.  I feel like my daughter is being bullied like I was and it is triggering my hurt more than is rational. 

But I’m going to keep trying to love.  I’m going to try to be patient.  I’m going to try to be kind, even when I have to discipline my child.  And that will happen, until she learns to control herself.  I hope the other people who are in her life will learn similar self-control.

Because you can’t take back the words.