There is something so compelling about the warmth of my blankets on a cold morning, like snuggling in a pile of pre-heated teddy bears, so soft and comforting. When that alarm goes off, raucously interrupting my dreams with its harsh BEEEEEEPPPP BEEEEEEEPPP BEEEEEEPPP, I roll over to tap the snooze button, wincing a little in pain because, let’s face it, I’m getting old, and then I settle back into that sweet in-between dream and wakefulness state that is one of my favorite times of the day.
It’s that moment before I have to face my day, before work, before getting resistant child out of bed (speaking of which, she’s still there), before becoming a grown up again. I can pretend, for nine minutes anyhow, that it’s a snow day, and the entire day lies before me, fraught with possibility. Or that I’m on summer vacation and there’s no need to get up and go to school, because I have two months of freedom ahead of me. Sun, swimming, bike riding, playing with friends are the order of the day, not responsibilities, not making a few bucks to continually pay the bills without ceasing, day after day until you die.
So, today I will search to find meaning in between the repetition, like I do every day, for without it, what are we living for?
Today I will:
1. do a load of laundry
2. get the child out the door.
3. have breakfast
4. get ready for work
5. maybe I’ll have time to revise a couple pages
6. work 9-5 (work has it’s own love-hate relationship that I won’t get into right now)
7. go home
8. have dinner
9. do youth group at my church
10. settle in front of the TV for 30 minutes
11. revise a couple more pages
12. bond with my daughter for a bit
13. go to bed
Slight variations from day to day, but it would be so easy to get bogged down in the monotony of my life. I’m in my 40s and I guess it’s truly hitting me how I could follow this pattern for the rest of my life. The same thing, day in, day out, nothing really changing.
I don’t want that. I want to keep evolving, keep moving towards something, whether it’s writing or furthering my education, or whatever, I need to strive for something. My problem is, that something changes on a daily basis. Why can’t I just pick something? Go back to college? Take an art class? Finish that novel and try to get published?
Instead, I settle into that warm comfortableness that is the routine, that daily grind that probably most people take solace and stability from, and that I find slightly constricting. Yes, there is a comfort in knowing what lies ahead, knowing where that next paycheck comes from, but there’s another part of me that wants adventure and surprise. And that little part of me won’t let me be content in the mundane. I’m a grown up; I’ll do what I have to do, but I don’t have to enjoy it all the time.
I probably sound really discontented with my life, and that’s not really my point here. My point, right now, at this moment, is that I didn’t really want to crawl out of my warm, cozy bed to go to work. Did I have to turn that into an introspective moment?
What about you? Are you happy with the life you’ve chosen? What are you doing to change it? And do you lounge about uselessly in the morning (for 30 minutes) or do you leap out of bed, eager to face the day? (morning people, ugh).
On the other hand, I have a nice comfy bed, and I get to have that moment, every single day.
I am blessed.